Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Cocktails and Moonlit Nights: Parts 2 and 3


Part 2:  During the Vacation

Waiting for the plane to paradise. Yes, that's a stuffed seahorse peeking from my dress.

Two things you should know about my sister and me: we think we are hilarious, and it doesn’t take a lot to amuse us.

I offer this story from many years ago as an example: we strolled through a mall wearing badly applied makeup: imagine one of those hooker-looking Toddlers with Tiaras had applied it in the middle of a tantrum because her girdle was too tight. To top off the look, we pretended to be toddlers as we ate our Hostess chocolate cupcakes.

Then we visited the makeup counters and made good use of the samples. Saleswomen showed respect in those days! One of them tenderly tried to wipe a bit of chocolate off my face but gave up and put on her brightest smile: “There, that shade is so flattering! Why don’t you head right over there and get a spritz of perfume?”

Vacationing in the Dominican Republic was even more fun. Activities and excursions were offered 24/7! However, who needs any extra activities when you have a beach or three pools to choose from AND the buffet is always open AND the alcohol is free? Plus we each brought thousands in small bills, and for $5 a pop, we were reminded several times a day how muy Bonita we are.

This young man made $5,000 on the trip!

We took part in only one activity: what we thought was water aerobics. Three people appeared by the pool, waving their arms, singing, and performing choreography such as step-ball-chain to canned music. We made a beeline there: keeping up one’s appearance is not as easy as it might seem. Step-ball-chains are kind of difficult underwater, so we just kept moving: jumping and waving our arms with abandon – we were dancing in paradise! Until we noticed people on bar stools in the pool looked as if they were watching a funny movie; some of them looked embarrassed. The big clue arrived in the form of the dancers leaving after about five minutes. It wasn't THAT embarassing.

People love my sister: not only is she very funny, but she radiates kindness. She was undoubtedly a Dali Lama in one of her previous lives. She also speaks Spanish and was adored by resort workers who were used to hearing only, “More beer, POR FA VOR!” and “My husband has vomited in the bed – can you clean it up?” Because I was with her, they loved me too: we were Barrrrbarrrra and Susanna, the big happy muy Bonitas.

On the beach in a designer outfit my youngest daughter made for us.

Big, happy bonitas on our way to the beach after our morning apertif.

As you have probably guessed, we pretended we were twins and dressed accordingly. Toddlers dressed alike look cute (unless they’re in a horror movie and you KNOW they will carve someone up later in the movie with a straight razor, and let’s not even talk about those red outfits Michelle Dugger made her kids wear that time). Women of a certain age who dress alike:

Live like the sisters in the old movie “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”

“Blanche you're not gonna sell this house. Daddy bought this house, and he bought it for me! You don't think I remember that, do you?”

Live in a run-down Victorian with “wildflowers” growing all around and windows with the cardboard taken off when spring arrives

Have 93 cats (not counting the strays), who mark time patiently until the old bags weaken and can be taken down

Losing their marbles together in a nice home so that when one dies, the other won't remember and will just think, "Oh, Susanna just went to the bathroom. She'll be back."

Although I look very happy in the picture below, I laughed the most the evening after I sprained my ankle whilst fetching a drink from the bar.

Before the Fall. What was in those drinks?

Barbie procured a wheelchair for me and served as my transportation coordinator. Which reminds me of again of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"

Blanche: You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I weren't still in this chair.

Jane: But you are, Blanche! You ARE in that chair!

We have to leave the next day, and as she’s wheeling me back to our room after dinner and a few drinks in the lobby bar, she insists that I moan a bit. By the time we reach our room, I sound as if someone is using a Crème Brule Propane Torch on my gums. We are laughing so hard that one of us pees our pants. That, my friend, is the essence of a good vacation.

Part 3: After the Vacation

Endless emails about the fabulous time we had and how Seabiscuit (el Biscotti) had to go to rehab after his week of debauchery.


You are not imagining things: there is another set of twins in this picture!


1 comment:

  1. You crack me up and I want to go on vacation with you 2! So fun! Been wanting to go to the DR, we used to go to Mexico to an all inclusive til we had one too many kids for the resort! :)