Thursday, August 12, 2010

Wedding Bell Blues

I'm on the third day of an online class called 31 Days to Build a Better Blog. I didn't do well the first day, which called for me to write an "elevator pitch" for my blog. I think the guy also expects me to think deeply about what I'm trying to get across. Please.

However, here goes with the second day's assignment: create a list.

Wedding Faux Pas: (Fox Pass for those of you who don't speak French)

If you want your bridesmaids to dress like hookers or Evangelicals, don't make them pay for their own dresses.

For any wedding past your second, don't expect family and friends to stock your linen closet, your kitchen, your walls, your bar or your entertainment room.

Don't use gaily-decorated money trees as the centerpieces on tables.

Don't have a cash bar.

Don't take your bridesmaids shoe shopping and start weeping and pulling out your hair in front of a pair of Prada shoes you can't afford -- but that will make you the happiest bride in the world!

Hint only once about how broke you are and how nice it would be if everyone pitched in to help you pay for the venue (the Titanic model in Branson, MO), food, flowers, cruise and some jewelry that would make your special day even specialer. If no one pitches in after your first appeal, drop it.

Don't post on Facebook how hot your honey gets you -- the general reaction will be "ewwwww." Ditto how you love your mate right down to the toenail clippings you find on the sofa, how even your pooches long for his touch and how you are going to explode into flames and it's not because of the weather!!!!!

Don't invite everyone you know on Facebook or other social networking sites -- your BFF's BFF's great aunt who commented on one of your pictures will not be hurt if she is left off the mass invitation.

Don't post nasty comments about people who don't get caught up in all the excitement: it does not necessarily mean they are shallow, bitter, cold or non-orgasmic.

If you are marrying a relative, your ex's best friend with whom you cheated, a 17-year old or someone you met in Vegas over the weekend, let me know and I'll revise the list. Happy Day!


  1. If there are more than one, is it fauxs pas or faux pases? By the way, with all this about weddings, is there something we need to be telling your husband?

  2. I'm not sure how -- that'a deep question. We had a few faux pas at our wedding (my second) -- my maid of honor had too much to drink and felt up quite a few of the men (including John's dad), licked the photographer's face and as John and I were leaving, she threw him against the car and told him she was going to f__k his brains out. Plus the justice of the peace, named Jimmy Stewart, came looking for me and found me going tinkle on the pot. He was very embarassed.