Buddy, Can You Spare Some Bread?

As my fans know, I've joined the ranks of the unemployed. Not because I want to spend more time with my kids or try freelance writing or because of a need to find myself. I don't even want to know where I am. No, I am unemployed because I lost my job. I applied for unemployment, but I keep getting these notices saying that not only is my case "pending" but that I can forget about a check this week. I'm a deep thinker, which has made me realize some errors I might have made during my application.



Following are some things NOT to say when applying for unemployment:

I really don't want to find a job right away. My girls are at that awkward age -- 13 -- when they are too old for daycare, but I can't leave them to their own devices all summer! HELLO!!!! Besides, I'm going to Cocos for a few weeks -- the last year has been rough and diving with sharks is just the thing to take my mind off things.

Officially, I CAN work full time but I'd rather find a job where I can make my own hours and that pays really well. I have a lot on my plate, including being the family chauffeur and writing my blog -- it would be hard for me to make it to work on time. And I'd like to hire back my housekeeper as soon as possible and resume horseback riding and art lessons for the girls. It's not as though I want a career --I require something that allows me to break free from paradigms, enables me be creative in ways that best utilize my singular skills, and enables a win/win situation for all involved. And that's not too demanding -- I want to go home at the end of the day and relax with a nice cocktail and not even think about work.

I need a job that gives me plenty of time to work out. I'm a big girl and you couldn't tell by looking at me, but my bones are thinning a bit! I thought only tiny blondes had bones that thinned - you could have knocked me over with a feather when the doctor told me that! So I need to do plenty of weight-bearing exercise and some aerobics to keep my weight down -- I weigh less now than I did in college! And aside from being on anti-depressants and blood pressure medicine, I'm as healthy as a horse. Except my blood sugar level is up to 180 and my doctor wants to see me again -something about diabetes, although there is no family history of it in my family. Unlike heart disease, which runs through the family like Bougainvillea vines run through the Garden District. You know -- that place in New Orleans by the Quarter. Surely you read Anne Rice when she was in vogue? Although I didn't like the Catholic stuff she wrote after all that.

No, I really can't work out early in the morning -- I am a TOTAL night owl -- I get my second wind about 9:30 p.m. I can barely get myself up by 7:30 a.m.

Exercise after work? HA HA HA HA HA HA! You are one funny guy! Shopping and dinner doesn't happen by myself!!!! Besides, whether I'm working or not, I really need a cocktail by 5:30 -- as I said, I have a lot on my plate.

One other tiny thing: I don't want to work with people -- the older I get, the less tolerance I have for stupidity. And it seems to be all I encounter these days -- stupid people with their petty problems. Like I don't have problems of my own - my house is a wreck.

So when do I get my first check? Because I really need it for my Cocos trip.